hey, boob.

hey, boob. don’t be afraid….you were made to go out and get her.the minute you let her under your skin,then you begin to make it better.
or something like that.
last year at this time before my mastectomy, i was scared shitless (literally…because of all the pain meds i was on). 
but now, i’m in great anticipation of my surgery tomorrow….to remove my port, a constant reminder of my cancer, and to get my new implant and rid my chest of the turtle shell/bomb/it-feels-like-duct-tape-on-my-torso expander. i have faith in my surgical team and my body’s ability to heal. i will the surgical drain i get tomorrow to have the right amount of fluid output that enables it to get removed in a timely way. i am prepared with antibiotics, pain meds and stool softeners (and convinced that i can come up with a better name for “stool softeners” while i’m looped up on pain meds). i am thankful for fantastic care with mike, my parents and support network here locally to help with meals and appointments.
because this is life and because i had 5 weeks of radiation which makes my skin act like bacon (direct quote from my doctors) (i’ll never eat bacon in the same way), i’m aware of the potential complications. i’m going to type up the most present ones here as a “container” to store them in, then put them out of my mind:  my skin could refuse to heal and incision not close; my nipple could fall off because of circulation issues; the whole implant could get infected and have to be removed thus leaving me with a concave breast. there….done.
this picture is a box of boobs in the surgeons office. after holding them all, giggling, making several bad jokes, and comparing the pros/cons, i made the decision to have a new silicone implant called a gummi-bear implant. it has been used in the EU for 8 years, and the FDA just approved the gummi-bears for use in the US last year. they’re shaped more naturally like a tear drop. if the implant ruptures, it’s less likely to leak throughout my body. the safety pros are one thing, but it might have been the name that sealed the deal.  who doesn’t like a gummi?
when i got the surgery authorization in the mail, it also mentioned liposuction.  um, what??? in what will be the endless chase to make my breasts even, the surgeons are going to remove fat from my stomach and graft it on the top of my breast. it means another incision but the results seem promising.  however, seeing “silicone implant” and “liposuction” in a letter with my name on it made me laugh out loud. oh, the twists and turns of life.
thank you for all your notes and warm wishes the past few days. i’ve loved hearing from you and really appreciate that i’m on your mind.
as i round the bend on another milestone in my treatment, this quote by Rumi that shannon sent to me this week resonates, because there has been a lot of living while struggling for my life, and i look forward to a lot more living to come.
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” 

love, light, and dancing to you.


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