i’m the narrator, the main character, the protagonist of all of this. or i try to be.
it’s going to be a year like no other. isn’t that what we say every january 1? the resolutions, the betterments, the shedding of things that no longer serve us or perhaps never did and never will.
there’s a sneaking feeling i have that 2021 will be hard if not harder than 2020. haven’t all years been broken and battered in many ways? the feeling that hope is right around the corner, there is light at the end of the tunnel, the vaccines will allow us all to be back together in the streets unmasked and unmoored. i think we’re missing the nuance in that scene…maybe it’s 2022 instead by the time that happens (see story about the goal by dec 31 being 20 million americans vaccinated and the reality being 2 million). or 2024 in some other under-resourced places. this is real and the faster i work to wrap my head around it, articulate my boundaries, what is safe for me and my family, the quicker it is to be settled in the unfurling of time.
settled. perhaps that’s my word and desired state of being for 2021. it has a generally poor connotation in the US of A. she settled for her husband. they settled down into a bland routine life.
but settled for me is work to settle my body, my reactions, my mind. to live in a settled state that doesn’t see danger on the street, in the grocery store, in my own home. to settle my whiteness. to settle into becoming a parent, parenthood, and dropping perfectionism. to settle the laptop at 5pm and go for a walk, move, put together dinner. to settle in the house and feel like there’s a place for everything. to settle into acceptance of what my faults are and what his faults are and how the faults might shift and improve, ever so slightly and largely imperceptibly and how that is enough. to settle in my unquenchable thirst for learning and that i should always be doing. ABD. always be doing. hiking, cooking, cleaning, reading, yardwork, talking to a friend, missing my dad, caring for my mom, transferring my writing over to the new website, enriching, fixing, perfecting.
this is the year i take this seriously and i laugh a lot at the absurdity of it all.