rubbernecking, in limbo

i’m oddly perplexed by my newly flat chest. there’s something reminiscently familiar about it, like being a little kid again. and there’s also something disfiguring about it, like being a…well, disfigured person. it’s like the car crash i can’t keep my eyes off of. i’m officially a rubbernecker.  attaching a picture for you to see of how it looks (there is gauze over the incision and that’s my drain grenade, so I’m sparing you some of the grossness.
the limbo is annoying, which is why i’m happy to report that the infection is clear, nothing grew on the cultures over the weekend.  so tomorrow, i proceed with the latissimus  (back muscle) flap surgery, that will help close the incision around my new silicone/gummi implant.
i’ll be in the hospital for at least 2 nights, the first of which is in an ICU step down. there are skilled nurses there who can handle the site’s blood flow issues. the recovery is 4-6 weeks, or possibly more, of no lifting or yoga or vigorous exercising. my doctor today said to think of the recovery as a mastectomy’s recovery. i have to prepare for that mentally and then hope for the best emotionally.
last week, i refused to process that these infections can quickly become systemic. that is some scary shit. long hospitalizations. life threatening microbes. so i’m glad to have the internal infection passed me for now. i’ll still be on antibiotics until i get the drains out but then hopefully i can be off them and get some semblance of gut flora/fauna/function back in the house.
i’ve appreciated hearing from so many of you. this does suck–you’re all right. and you’re alright too.over and out -m

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